I am currently dating a recent widower and I am questioning whether I should end this now or hang in there. Men who behave like this as widowers probably have always been insensitive. And even couples where the male isnt able to perform sexually for a variety of reasons have still been able to conceive a child thanks to advances in reproductive medicine (a reproductive endrocrinologist is who you want to consult probably but start with your regular GYN). I have met all his family and even his in laws briefly. I know my father, now in his 90s, has NPD and my mother bent over backwards to enable him. I will go with option 2 and ask him on a date. She needs to grow a backbone and make sure this does not happen again. There SHOULD be pics of her. Bottom line is that nothing will change until you decide to take action. I think he is worth the wait. Neither of you should have to settle for a relationship that you arent comfortable with nor should you want the other to do that. Finally, and this is just advice I am tossing out for you to ponder, take or ignore, quit trying to comfort or be there for him when he is grieving. Because I know how fragile and how short life can be, expect me to love you fiercely. But because of that I am not throwing all in. Hi, I found your blog and like it very much. My best friend of 40+ years passed away last year so I have really no one to talk to and as you can tell I desperately need some insight. Pictures of his dead wife are not adorning his nightstand and his home does not resemble Miss Havishams ballroom. She is ready for all typical difficulties. Do you notice I use the word Man and not widower. Maybe you decide that enough time and effort has gone into this and sexually your needs dont match and thats a deal breaker. A year after his wifes passing I bumped into him. Couple of comments up I recommended Suzy Welchs book to David. He has told me so many times he loves me it made me sick (he compared I respect it was where they made a home together for 30 years. Today is two years that my widower list his wife. This does leave you stuck in limbo however in terms of your own emotional life/needs. i actually knew both of them in the 1990s when i was in a relationship of my own. 5. I feel like the receiving end of the journal you wrote Dating While Widowed: Erasing Your Past. He used to tell me to wait for him for a year ad he is going back here in our country to marry me or get me to their country. Take some time. I consider these rather a desperate attempt to make me more secure or to justify his actions? They were married 7 yrs and she was sick for 2. I only realized about the NPD when I was 50 or so. You have just given me all the closure I need. I feel heartfelt sorry for you, and even more so for the kids. We didnt even go on honeymoon. To the point where my 2.5 year silence out of respect is about to be broken and people will undoubtedly become offended when I finally assert myself as not the invisible mistress they have painted me in as. Considering if I do I will never have children of my own. I really want to see where he is at any conversation openings you have in advice and how I handle this or do I just stop? dear ann, Am I doing the right thing by staying and giving him time? We talked for 3 months and flew me out to see him. Is there anyway the two of you could sit down quietly (get away for a weekend even) and just decompress and talk? Im afraid to ask him because if I hear the wrong answer, I dont know what I will do. Or, you will have to live with the regret of what if. I would rather know even if its not the turnout id want it will bring the end result quicker than me reading into things and wasting our times. . Its been 2 years since his wifes death. .. Relationships have their ups and downs and certainly require work not all of it hard, but they shouldnt be the source of you questioning whether you are good enough or not. He shouldnt feel guilty. Whatever you decide, its probably not going to be easy. Hi Ann. See if your good enough and jump through endless hoops and then you die Ill put your picture up there with hers. Wouldnt it be nice if we could have a talk with the dead wife and Not call, no knock, nothing. He is on holiday. How important is this? The direct approach, while it might not turn out as you hope, is better because there is no dragging things out and analyzing this and that conversation, email, FB post. Theyre ALL matters of the heart And when I was divorced I can assure you it was like a death to me and the widower I dated for a year and a half agreed that my pain was not less than his because my partner of 26 years was still breathing and his was not!! Its not messing up to want a relationship to work out or to give it time and space to do so. No one navigates through it at the same pace or comes out at the end of it the same as the next person. not into you.. there is some other meaning. I did ask him outright why we stopped talking about us and he said when? My usual take on this kind of thing is point out that peoples basic natures arent really changed by tragedy. I expect you to live one life with me not two. I dont know what to think, I am so confused. You make this sound like a bit of a coin toss. Medany offers this advice for those starting this conversation: Calmly tell the widower what it feels like to be on the receiving end of these issues and then wait and watch to see what he does with this information. I admire a man that treat his children well. In love with me and totally committed but Im still having my moments were I feel he will never be ready for marriage. Does he act like he loves you? And he will have taken steps in the words of Captain Picard to make it so. If I decide to tell him that this is bothering me, should I just break up with him or should I give him a time frame in which to tell people about me or I am out? I would never say something like that to him about my ex..but then again an ex is not really the same thing as a death of a spouse. Hes not taking me for granted, I just dont think he gets that its becoming annoying. she doesnt speak to me heaven knows why not. But it is also normal for a widowed person to not talk much or at all about their late partner and any feelings they might still have. Someone in good health could expect another 30 years perhaps, but you are correct that you will not be getting the prime years. Initially, you tend the garden instinctually of that of a living love. He might be serious. Words are nice but its all in the actions. You've survived cancer, now what about dating? The important thing is that you can discuss things. . I think if the widow is ready and loves you they will slowly over time want to show u they care and show you that you are ther love and future and moving forward and taking these steps show you that u r wut they want. Good luck and thanks for adding to the conversations here. Or even if you want to start again. If his daughter doesnt want anything in there, there are charities that likely will take things. I wrote another post about the 10-10-10 method of working through decisions. Mostly, in my opinion, because the late spouses didnt belong in our relationship and were personal matters we needed to handle on our own. This is something that the two of you need to discuss. ITS KINDA SOON.I MEAN I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN JUST NOT SO SOON.. I feel that little minx has set herself up in there like a pseudo version of his LW.Pulling all his strings, subconsciously. You are not going to get closure on this and you arent going to fix him. Life and commitments to others dont stop because you are feeling overwhelmed. But, I do think that if this is making you unhappy, its probably worth a discussion because your feelings matter too and its your relationship as much as it is his. Complicating this are his confessions to you about his feelings for her and their relationship. How long should a widow wait before dating? I see it as a relationship (I do not believe if your just friends you have sex) and he sees it as a friendship. What is the real meaning of the photos other than hes just Ummm he has denied counseling he never cries over her anymore.. we speak of her when teegan mention mommy or go to her grave now jsut for special occasions, where as before it was all the time. I understand that you would rather not talk with him about your concerns right now. His youngest daughter is 11 and he says that she doesnt want to meet me yet and that he cant make her so hes going to wait until shes ready. I believed him when he told me loved me and wanted to marry me. And as I have told many people whove come here, its good to sit and talk things through with someone in your real life who actually knows you and your situation. The Topic came up again the other day all I could say is I dont want to talk about it anymore. If you were to stay and nothing changed. No its not broken anymore I wouldnt make the decision to fall in love with you if it still is. Focus on where things are at right now and decide what you want for yourself and your kids going forward. I have alot of fears about my future, especially financial matters. I am not buying the spiritual bonding stuff at all. He feels he need to completely get her out of his system( which i dont think he ever will) before he makes concrete plans with me. Discussions are at the heart of all good relationships. Sorry to hear that counseling didnt work out. I married his after my husband passed.. All of the sudden, everything changed. Many women in their 60s have been hurt, divorced, or widowed. he knows i have been with a lot of men where as he was only sexually with his wife for over 30 yrs total and then he says only 2 others besides me since her death. You might find it helpful to be able to just get everything out there and hear from others in similar situations and what they did or are doing. Some of the things he has told me about her has me to where I really dont like her. Remember, these two men have hopes and dreams of their own. It's my favorite book by her. Did he date and remarry too soon? Maybe he is it and maybe he isnt but youve put in two years and are you any closer to the life you see yourself living? My wid has two adult daughters, the elder was charming, gracious and welcoming to me. It is normal to wonder about about all the things you are wondering about. Finally, that is the gist of whats truly going on. And then go and live your life. It enters a different phase if you will and this is where it gets problematic for some widowed. In addition, just being clear about whats going on and not tolerating disrepect. I got married to a widower 6 months ago and he has a 5 years old, we have only dated each other for a month and he was ready to marry as we both were very intimate and he has told me he is over his LW, amd she doesnt come to his mind at all, but I always feel that whatever we are doing togather after a while he gets lost and i feel he is thinking about his LW. his wife used to be in relationship with another man, also he found out that she was lying to him about her fertility problems as well as she used to treat him in an abusive way). One time i had to ask him to put away stuff, if he wants me to come around once in awhile.to give me spacehe did remove his wifes clothes and empty a drawer for mebut their house which she designed.is filled with her memories, the car even has a picture of her before she passed.